What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 02:03
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
If gays can get married, why can't I marry my dog or a cheeseburger?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were not on the streets..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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So whats the point in blame.
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
How did it feel when experiencing gay sex for the first?
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do you have to be 18+ to go live on TikTok?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
When she asked me how she looked .
Who was the guy that had sex with the AIDS monkey?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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All the time i was locked up.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
If freedom of speech is absolute, how come it's not applied for private spaces and for the Internet?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
We all went to grammer schools
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was in good health!
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Would this be the day?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot live in the past .